Poisoning Pigeons in the Park
by Goofy-Charli
Summary: “What the hell happened!” Kurogane spluttered. Fai glanced at him sheepishly, hiding the packet of bread. It was too late. Kurogane could already see it was definitely not bread in the little bag... Rated T for very subtle implied bits


This is the first of a series of stories I am going to write based on songs. This one is inspired by a satirical song by Tom Lehrer "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park". If you don't know it, youtube it! It's brilliant! As usual, reviews are the solid form of love! A big thanks to Aranel for beta-ing this for me, even though is was a bit shocking at first.

Please note that no pigeons were harmed in the making of this fic.

Also, Tsubasa and it's characters belong to the wonderful ladies of CLAMP, not me. Is sad but true :(

* * *

**Poisoning Pigeons in the Park**

Fai bounced through the house merrily, chirping some kind of song about birds. He danced around a rather unimpressed ninja, as said ninja glared back menacingly.

"What's got you so happy? Not that you aren't always like this anyway." Kurogane grumbled.  
"I'm going to the park Kuro-puu! Wheee! The park!" Was the gleeful reply. Fai ran here and there collecting random things from around the house in preparation for his little excursion. The final thing he grabbed was a bag of little white things, it appeared to be bread. The blonde caught Kurogane's curious glances at the packet and filled him in.  
"It's bird food, I'm going to feed the pigeons in the park, Kuro-nyan! Wanna come?"

Feeding birds in a grassy, social area with the cheerful mage was the last thing Kurogane wanted to do, but so far the day had gone so slowly it was almost painful. There was nothing to do, no shops, bars or cafés were open so gathering information on Princess Sakura's feather had to be delayed. The children were shopping, so Kurogane would be forced to spend most of the day by himself. Normally this wouldn't worry him but today he feared he might just turn crazy enough out of boredom to take his own life. Therefore, his only choice was to accompany Fai. It was better than nothing.

As Fai sat happily on the park bench in silence, Kurogane couldn't help but notice how gracefully he threw the pieces of bread to the pigeons…his delicate fingers wrapping around the food, the small curve of his mouth as another bird nibbled on the delicacies being offered, the way he…

A loud squawking snapped him out of his trance almost immediately. It seemed the pigeons were causing a terrible commotion. Several of the grey birds had begun acting rather strangely. Instead of their usually coo-ing and eating, they began trying to hop on each other's backs like lunatics. Up and down they went, here and there, all trying to mount the nearest pigeon regardless of gender. They were the horniest birds Kurogane had ever seen. In a matter of minutes, one by one, each and every avian keeled over and stiffened, dead as doorknobs due to a severe hormone overdose.  
"What the hell happened?!" Kurogane spluttered.  
Fai glanced at him sheepishly, hiding the packet of bread. It was too late. Kurogane could already see it was definitely not bread in the little bag. Instead it contained lots of small white tablets.  
"What did you feed them, mage? You killed them!"  
"Pigeon food!" Fai cried desperately.  
"Where did you get it? Are you sure that's pigeon food? Food usually doesn't kill you."  
"Well…" The blonde shuffled his feet nervously. "I got it from this man in a little corner store… "  
Kurogane was growing impatient and was starting to break into an unusual sweat, "And?"  
The mage continued, "Pigeons are boring birds, you see. I wanted to make their lives more interesting, so I asked him if he had anything to spice life up a little. He just smiled and winked, and gave me these saying 'I understand, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!' Anyway, I couldn't read the label but I figured it must work on animals if it works on humans."

Fai presented the little tablets and Kurogane instantly knew what they were, even if he couldn't understand the language of the label either.  
"Idiot!" He spat, "That's Viagra! That explains the pigeons' behaviour when…"  
Kurogane stopped his words; a look of shock and amusement was creeping across Fai's face.  
"What now?" he grunted.  
Fai began to giggle uncontrollably, his eyes obviously somewhere other than Kurogane's face.  
"Kuro-min…I thought your life was a bit boring too, you're always grumpy. So when I gave you those dumplings this morning…"  
Kurogane stared at Fai in horror, "You didn't…"  
Alas, it was futile. Kurogane finally realised as he looked down just why everybody in the park was gawking at him, and why his pants had started to feel a little tight.

Drawing his sword he screamed and charged at Fai, shouting profanities in disgust.

Fai ran away laughing hysterically, dodging the large blade and wondering if the ninja was going to put his condition to any use…

* * *

I thought I'd add the lyrics at the end here in case people don't know the song.

**Poisoning Pigeons in the Park - by Tom Lehrer**

I'd like to take you now on wings of song, as it were, and try and help you forget perhaps for a while your drab, wretched lives. Here's a song all about spring-time in general, and in particular, about one of the many delightful pastimes the coming of spring affords us all.

Spring is here, a-suh-puh-ring is here.  
Life is skittles and life is beer.  
I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring.  
I do, don't you? 'Course you do.  
But there's one thing that makes spring complete for me,  
And makes ev'ry Sunday a treat for me.

All the world seems in tune  
On a spring afternoon,  
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.  
Ev'ry Sunday you'll see  
My sweetheart and me,  
As we poison the pigeons in the park.

When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide,  
But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.  
The sun's shining bright,  
Ev'rything seems all right,  
When we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

Lalaalaalalaladoodiedieedoodoodoo

We've gained notoriety,  
And caused much anxiety  
In the Audubon Society  
With our games.  
They call it impiety,  
And lack of propriety,  
And quite a variety  
Of unpleasant names.  
But it's not against any religion  
To want to dispose of a pigeon.

So if Sunday you're free,  
Why don't you come with me,  
And we'll poison the pigeons in the park.  
And maybe we'll do  
In a squirrel or two,  
While we're poisoning pigeons in the park.

We'll murder them{ all }amid laughter and merriment.  
Except for the few we take home to experiment.  
My pulse will be quickenin'  
With each drop of strychnine  
We feed to a pigeon.  
It just takes a smidgen!  
To poison a pigeon in the park.

* * *


End file.
